Full Submission

Sometimes you just don’t know how you got to where you are. I was at such a different place last year at this time. I had recently broke up with my boyfriend at the time and was searching for something more. I began to discern the religious life. Today I am lost. I feel the need to turn to God but have so much guilt in my heart that He feels distant. He isn’t. He’s right here, by my side. Sometimes I wish I was still discerning because although I didn’t know my place in the world, I was extremely close with Jesus. This summer I am going to make an attempt to get back on track and put my focus on our Lord.

After discerning, I realized that I was not crafted for the religious life. Which left me wondering the same question I’ve wondered since I was a teenager: “Where is my prince charming?” Is there just one man out there that is set aside just for me? Or are there many possible men out there that could one day be my beloved?

My dating timeline is short and I have only opened my heart to a few men. But by giving my all to these men who are not my beloved, I have given them a piece of myself. I have learned that whoever my beloved is deserves to know all of me. When we are married in the sanctity of the sacrament of marriage, I can give this man my all. But for now I have to be vigilant of the types of things I share with the men I date. Flirting is a no no. Why? For this reason: once I’m married I won’t need to flirt with my husband. We will be companions, a team and most of all friends.

Friends don’t need to flirt and if I become used to flirting with men, why won’t hold me back from flirting with men outside of marriage? So the truth is that for me a relationship or courtship must be cultivated by a beautiful friendship. Being a friend with someone can almost be like dating. In that friendship you can see who the person is and if they are what God wants for you. I long for a beautiful courtship one day. Courting and dating are totally different.

Courtship between a man and a woman has one motive and that is marriage. The motive in dating doesn’t necessarily need to be marriage; dating can just be a time for men and women to have fun. To me dating can be the equal to friendship. When I think of courtship though, I think of a man taking our relationship seriously and eventually be discerning marriage to me. Here lies my mistake. I have taken my dream and made a mess of it. I have fallen into the trap of worldly dating. It’s funny because I ask myself, “Why hasn’t the right guy come a long yet?” But I have been selfish in choosing men who aren’t ready for courtship. I have not sought God’s permission. I have not prayed about these men seriously and most of all I have rationalized these men in my mind as potentially great catches. But as a good friend of mine once said, “You cannot fall in love with potential.”

In my rush to find this one man, I have turned my back on my true prince, Jesus. Only He knows my heart and all of my desires. Only he knows when I will be ready to meet this precious man I will call my beloved. I really need to sit back and pray, not pray for him to hurry up and get here, but for God’s will to be done through my actions and life. I have to get serious about glorifying our God in heaven through my daily duties as a daughter, sister, and student. I worry too much about the future when the past and present still need to be dealt with.

In the now, I need to be more sacrificial in the things I offer up to Christ. As far as the past, I need healing from suffering and pain I endured as a child and finally let go of it. I need to let go of it all. Full submission to the will of God, I have to surrender it all. That’s the answer to my questions.