"From today onward, I am going to strive for the greatest purity of soul, that the rays of God's grace may be reflected in all their brilliance. I long to me a crystal in order to find favor in his eyes." -St. Faustina

Lonely to Loved

I realized a few days ago, that I was running from myself. By keeping myself insanely busy and wrapped up with socializing, I was free from facing myself. I have made some changes and the outcome has been amazing. I feel like I have this void and instead of turning to Christ, I am constantly turning to the world to fill that void; a void that can only be filled by love. I have many struggles and have found comfort in listening to the stories of my brothers and sisters, men and women that I look up to that are doing all they can to live Christ like lives. I feel like I was hiding from myself, I was afraid to be alone. Jesus is always there when I realize I have made one or countless mistakes, there is always a second chance to start fresh and ask for forgiveness. I think God loves us most when we are vulnerable and honest and sorry. I think he loves us for it and embraces us with his love in an even stronger way. His love is outrageous for us. Just thought I'd mention this simple thing today.

In the Meantime

Now, I understand God’s inner workings. I deeply care for a man who is broken. In my selfishness last year, I wanted to be in a relationship with him. I didn’t realize that he must be healed and in a state of strength before he will be prepared to be in a relationship. I too must be at my best spiritually, physically and emotionally before I enter any romantic relationship. So, this past year I have been working on myself. Taking into account everything that God needs to heal me of before I enter into courtship and the next and last relationship of my life, the relationship that will lead me to the vocation of marriage.

I can see how God has made me focus on my studies as I completed my last semester of college and my student teaching practicum. I also followed my doctor’s instruction and treatment plan. I feel the healthiest I have in years and the happiest and wholest but I still need healing when it comes to some very personal struggles. I have been blessed to have been invited to a weeklong retreat in Florida this summer which may help me heal from these wounds. God is so good and his timing is perfect. As far as my relationship with this friend of mine, I am willing to wait on God. I am willing to wait for God to heal him of his wounds and struggles because I truly care for him. This may be a mistake, but if it is I know God will make it evident to me that it will be time for me to move on, but in the meantime, I will continue to pray fervently for this man whom I care for so deeply. 

Unrequited Love

Waiting on Him



In her old beat up car singing about how she is in love with him.

He’s perfect for her, yet he has no idea how she loves him.

She never says a word to him because she wants to be proper and wait for him.

Don’t worry because she won’t say a word.

He’s so cute and funny.

She’s amazed that she still loves him.

It’s almost been a year.

She wants to hold his hand.

Right now her hands are the only ones to hold.

Her body behaves but her heart wants to rebel and just confess her love to him.

So she goes away for a little bit, maybe his heart will change.

Maybe he’ll realize how much he misses her and that there is love between them.

Why does he take her for granted?

If only the world could disappear and all that would matter is the two of them.

Together.

Full Submission

Sometimes you just don’t know how you got to where you are. I was at such a different place last year at this time. I had recently broke up with my boyfriend at the time and was searching for something more. I began to discern the religious life. Today I am lost. I feel the need to turn to God but have so much guilt in my heart that He feels distant. He isn’t. He’s right here, by my side. Sometimes I wish I was still discerning because although I didn’t know my place in the world, I was extremely close with Jesus. This summer I am going to make an attempt to get back on track and put my focus on our Lord.

After discerning, I realized that I was not crafted for the religious life. Which left me wondering the same question I’ve wondered since I was a teenager: “Where is my prince charming?” Is there just one man out there that is set aside just for me? Or are there many possible men out there that could one day be my beloved?

My dating timeline is short and I have only opened my heart to a few men. But by giving my all to these men who are not my beloved, I have given them a piece of myself. I have learned that whoever my beloved is deserves to know all of me. When we are married in the sanctity of the sacrament of marriage, I can give this man my all. But for now I have to be vigilant of the types of things I share with the men I date. Flirting is a no no. Why? For this reason: once I’m married I won’t need to flirt with my husband. We will be companions, a team and most of all friends.

Friends don’t need to flirt and if I become used to flirting with men, why won’t hold me back from flirting with men outside of marriage? So the truth is that for me a relationship or courtship must be cultivated by a beautiful friendship. Being a friend with someone can almost be like dating. In that friendship you can see who the person is and if they are what God wants for you. I long for a beautiful courtship one day. Courting and dating are totally different.

Courtship between a man and a woman has one motive and that is marriage. The motive in dating doesn’t necessarily need to be marriage; dating can just be a time for men and women to have fun. To me dating can be the equal to friendship. When I think of courtship though, I think of a man taking our relationship seriously and eventually be discerning marriage to me. Here lies my mistake. I have taken my dream and made a mess of it. I have fallen into the trap of worldly dating. It’s funny because I ask myself, “Why hasn’t the right guy come a long yet?” But I have been selfish in choosing men who aren’t ready for courtship. I have not sought God’s permission. I have not prayed about these men seriously and most of all I have rationalized these men in my mind as potentially great catches. But as a good friend of mine once said, “You cannot fall in love with potential.”

In my rush to find this one man, I have turned my back on my true prince, Jesus. Only He knows my heart and all of my desires. Only he knows when I will be ready to meet this precious man I will call my beloved. I really need to sit back and pray, not pray for him to hurry up and get here, but for God’s will to be done through my actions and life. I have to get serious about glorifying our God in heaven through my daily duties as a daughter, sister, and student. I worry too much about the future when the past and present still need to be dealt with.

In the now, I need to be more sacrificial in the things I offer up to Christ. As far as the past, I need healing from suffering and pain I endured as a child and finally let go of it. I need to let go of it all. Full submission to the will of God, I have to surrender it all. That’s the answer to my questions.

I'm a communicator. What are you?

I realize that I have changed so much in the past year or two. I feel more a lot more comfortable with myself and I realize my strengths and weaknesses. I am a communicator and this can get me into trouble sometimes. I know that I come from a family where communication is central. We have talks and discuss our feelings and problems. We work things out as fast as possible when a conflict arises because we don’t like to argue. But, not everyone comes from a family like this. There is a guy that I am still friends with that I used to date. He never communicated with me, still to this day he finds it difficult and talking about his feelings and private life is a last resort. I don’t understand how he can be that way. The only think that I can think is that we were raised in different ways. My family is not only communicative but highly emotional and affectionate. This is when I have to realize that we all come from different life experiences and childhoods that molded and shaped us into the adults we are now. I imagine the life that Jesus had with Mary and Joseph and how his relationship with them helped him as he grew up. Jesus when he was in the temple with the teachers after he got lost for two days asked lots of questions. Many times in the Bible it shows Jesus asking the people questions to get a point across. Jesus was a communicator as well. I think it’s beautiful to think about he was raised and what his teenage and young adult years might have been like. I think about it sometimes and how he was 33 when he began his ministry. I am only 28 and I wonder if by the time I’m 33 I’ll be involved in a ministry as well. I’ll never be like Jesus but to try to follow his teachings and ways is something I strive to do. I really went on a tangent with this one but I guess my point is that we are all growing and evolving just as Jesus did. We all have a mission and our life experiences and the lessons we have learned which have shaped us to be communicators or more discrete and private are the characteristics that God has bestowed on us. He knows us to the last hair on our heads and has been with us through the struggles and the triumphs. We are each called to a particular mission and whether you are 18 or 33 he is calling us to live for him and fulfill that mission; each in our own unique way.

Back to Life

It’s been about ten months since I last wrote. I have grown and changed a lot but am still striving to follow God’s will for my life. I have recently reached a point in which I have realized that I have been putting unneeded pressure on myself when it comes to love. Sometimes we envision things to turn out a certain way and my life has been nothing but surprises. I have strayed away from God’s will so many times I can’t even count. But, I had a timeline in my head of how my life was “supposed to be”. I would get out of high school at 18, be out of college by 21, and married by 30.This has been a huge mistake.

I can’t think like that. It really takes away from the beauty of God’s plan for my life. I have realized that I must put the pen in God’s hand and let him write my story. This seems so simple but was kind of an epiphany for me. I haven’t been on my knees praying as much as I was last summer. This spring I realized that my life has been more of a living prayer. I witness to others at school, student teaching, with friend and family through my actions. I offer each day up to God and pray that he will guide my words and actions. Right now I feel like that is my role as God’s daughter.

I am quite the communicator and I am very emotional so talking is what I do best. I really enjoy deep conversations. That is the best way for me to exhibit my Christianity. So it’s important that I really think before I do or say things. The world is watching me and so is God and I want to please him not disappoint him with my attempts to be holy. So this is where I’m at today I will be writing more this summer.